I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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