Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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