So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
