I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
