Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We smell like vodka and hangover
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
