i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
