I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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