So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
