Whatcha textin bout Willis?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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