We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
