Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
