there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
