Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
my liver is dry heaving
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
