Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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