my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
