First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
