I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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