Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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