you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
