i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
