I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Four minutes until I can fart!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
