How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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