totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
