Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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