You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
