im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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