She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
