why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
