I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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