Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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