Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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