apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
