I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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