Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
