3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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