im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
