No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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