his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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