He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
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i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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