Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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