I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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