Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
