Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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