i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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