hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
