Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
