Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
4 words: hood of his car
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
