Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
