Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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