I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
