You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize