1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
did i just pee glitter
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
