We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
