im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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