Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm too high and old for this...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
