I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
