she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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