You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
