You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
