omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
