Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
