just come out here and I will go home with you...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
