What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
