Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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