4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
